Being a Bi Dad and the Navigation of Life
Andrew Macdougall is a guest writer. He is a raging bisexual, journalist, avid ice hockey fan and host of the PridePuckPod Podcast.
Sexuality is one of those things that can be very fluid for some people. It varies throughout their life, for others, it isn’t that complicated.
For bisexual people, it can be a long and gruelling task to find that one spot you feel comfortable when it comes to your identity. Often the scale continues to slide to varying degrees of what bisexuality means to that person.
So, it had me thinking, as a married bi Dad, what does bisexuality mean to someone like me?
For well over a decade, I always felt like my bisexuality should take a back seat to being a dad and husband. It was often a case of it not being important and something that, well, I just shouldn’t worry about. My family, friends and society see me as a heterosexual male, and that’s just the way it is.
It’s only since I continued to mature, moving into my 30s, that I came to the conclusion that it does matter. Who you are, your sexuality, race, gender it all matters. It’s part of what makes you who you are and the pieces that give us so many wonderful things in life.
Becoming a father at 21 years old to my now wife, I would constantly push down the fact that I was bisexual. It was hard to navigate everything I was feeling and going through, trying to be the father and husband society expected me to be, when in reality, my family just wanted me to be me.
At age 31, I came out to my wife, and parents and then publicly because it is all a part of the process of life and accepting yourself. From there, I have continued to grow, and in my opinion, I have become a better father and husband. The weight was lifted.
Before that, so much was hidden; fashion choices and things I enjoyed listening to or watching were hidden, and life as I knew it was coming from the straight heterosexual image marrying my wife took.
So much for passing privilege, hey?
It was to the point that depending on the setting I was in I wouldn’t even wear a pair of speedos for swimming, I didn’t want to get labelled with the ridiculous ‘gay’ tag that came with the swimwear. Hell, even society today still expects you to wear long baggy board shorts that look ridiculous.
But that was how I thought I could live my life, pushing down the little Andrew deep inside and just living life as society wanted. Now, I wear what I want and do what makes my Queer heart happy.
So much of someone’s Queerness is more than what happens in the bedroom.
I am 38 years old now and living my best life, something more than a decade ago I never thought I would be in the position to do. So much of this is because of my beautiful wife. I love her so much.
She has made me a better person and brought out the best in me, accepting, loving and supporting me through the journey of truly acknowledging my bisexuality and who I am.
Now, I am an out and proud bisexual, some people it will rub the wrong way but that’s not my concern. I have learned that pushing down who you are and not living your life fully is the cause of so much mental pain no one needs to go through.
I might be different to the fathers of my children’s friends and that’s fine, but I would like to think that I have at least inspired my two daughters to live life as themselves. Not hide in a closet and feel like you won’t be accepted and loved for who you are, because you will, it’s happened to me.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured getting the love and support I have from family and friends across my journey, simply for being who I am and not hiding anything from anyone.
Anxiety is such a quality-of-life killer, the things you think people will judge you for, they ultimately won’t and will just support you all the way.
And if I can help at least one person on their journey by writing this, bisexual or not, it’s all worth it.
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